GonzoCircus http://gonzocircus.co.uk No one's special. Not even Gorbo... Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:10:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7.1 en hourly 1 Abandoned Amusement Parks in Berlin | Urban Exploration | [pics] http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/abandoned-amusement-parks-in-berlin-urban-exploration-pics/ http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/abandoned-amusement-parks-in-berlin-urban-exploration-pics/#comments Tue, 28 Apr 2009 10:54:58 +0000 The Grand Douche of York http://gonzocircus.co.uk/?p=489 map_abandoned_amusement_park3

Rough guide to "Spreepark"

Berlin is home to one of the creepiest amusement parks in existence. Abandoned and empty since early 2002, the “Spreepark Berlin” (also known as the “Kulturpark Plänterwald”), initially opening its gates in 1969, was the only constant entertainment park in the GDR and, after the unification of Germany and its capital, in Berlin.  The park came to experience financial problems by 1999. Debts, mismanagement and other complications forced the closure and abandonment of “Spreepark”. You can still walk past  the former amusement area, but it lies behind fences and is “patrolled” by private security guards nowadays. The abandoned place offers splendid photo opportunities and locks you in with its somewhat surreal atmosphere, it’s a call to urban exploration! This is a story of a recent trip to the amusement park.

Any successful operation requires some thought out preparation. Preparing for the trip ahead involved checking out some blog posts and forum topics about the security “forces” in the park. The internet is full with mixed reports concerning this issue. Some say that the park is left completely empty, some say that the only watchful eye patrolling the park is an old lady with a dachshund and some say that the park is practically packed with security. Others warned about the seriousness of getting caught, police would be contacted immediately and any trespassers would be shot (alright, alright… maybe I exaggerated a little…).

The situation was cleared up immensely upon having some good old German beer in the morning. Everything seemed clear, the desire to penetrate the abandoned area could never be suppressed, especially by an old lady with a dachshund. Sneaking into the park turned out to be pretty easy. The fence was not particularly impressive, actually, it was not impressive at all… I’d say even an 8 year old could have climbed over it. So no problems there… Upon landing on the other side, we were greeted by strange voices that sounded very similar to the voice of a fairly distinct creature. The lonely and angry private security guard.

Sneaking away from the area of entry and going deeper into the abandoned park opened up fantastic sights. Abandoned structures, deserted roller coaster rides and forsaken control booths were popping up everywhere. Nothing was spared from mother nature, man-made machines have been “consumed” by her over the years. The photographic opportunities were almost orgasmic.  Our guard began to sink gradually, while being devoured by this magnificent place and almost finding ourselves in a state of trance. This of course led to us running around the park, photographing every little thing and eventually getting caught.

Now the procedure was nothing out of the ordinary. Caught by a very mean looking guard (he was riding a bicycle, in an attempt to save the environment) inside an abandoned circus tent. The accusations followed immediately, denying the obvious and playing the ignorant fool was crushed by a simple German “Nein!” (and what seemed to be a reference to the huge warning signs all around the area, advocating that trespassers will be prosecuted). Being “politely” asked to remove all the pictures or face prosecution caused some sense of horror. After deleting every single picture taken in the span of three hours and getting evicted from the abandoned amusement area, depression set in.

But, after taking a sip of some good old German beer, my mind screamed: “DATA RECOVERY SOFTWARE!”. The rest is self-explanatory. Moral of the story: Hurray for beer! Sub-moral of the story: Private guards can go fuck themselves (yeah I know you guys are just doing your job… but still).

Here are some of the better pictures taken inside the former amusement area:

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]]> http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/uks-top-creative-businesses-of-tomorrow-identified-industry-gurus-to-mentor-them-to-success/feed/ “Life begins at conception… Bitch!” ~Pope Benedict 16 [comic] http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/life-begins-at-conception-bitch-pope-benedict-16-comic/ http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/life-begins-at-conception-bitch-pope-benedict-16-comic/#comments Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:27:38 +0000 The Grand Douche of York http://gonzocircus.co.uk/?p=466 "Life begins at conception, and there is nothing you can do about it, bitch." ~Pope Benedict 16

"Life begins at conception, and there is nothing you can do about it, bitch." ~Pope Benedict 16

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]]> http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/life-begins-at-conception-bitch-pope-benedict-16-comic/feed/ How the Spiderman characters got raped by the Ottoman Empire | Turkish Trash Cinema | [video][media] http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/how-the-spiderman-characters-got-raped-by-the-ottoman-empire-turkish-trash-cinema-videomedia/ http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/how-the-spiderman-characters-got-raped-by-the-ottoman-empire-turkish-trash-cinema-videomedia/#comments Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:50:11 +0000 The Grand Douche of York http://gonzocircus.co.uk/?p=418 If you thought that Spiderman had a tough time defeating the likes of Octopus and other villains of the “Marvel Comics” universe, then wait till you hear of his Turkish hiking adventures. The Turkish adaptation of the famous web shooting, masked hero is nothing short of FUCKING AWESOME. Its one of those rare flicks that gain a huge cult following, by being so unintentionally bad.

Why, yes, thats Spiderman and Captain America having a blast. Going at each other, in what seems to be one of the most epic fighting scenes in the history of motion pictures. “3 Dev Adam” (loosely translated to “The 3 mighty man”, because the ability to drive a car is mighty as hell) strikes the viewer as a mix between bollywood’s cinematic portrayal of a huge brawl, a bad 70’s porno (musically as well as visually) and some “Bud Spencer and Terence Hill” like fighting scenes thrown in for good measure. Now many things are totally awesome about this movie, like the constant sexual imagery, spiderman’s DIY costume, his badass superpowers (he can drive a car… whoooooo) or his really bushy eyebrows (lots of testosterone, mind you), but one thing is particularly striking. Roll out to 2:14 and you’ll witness one of the most grotesque scenes to be captured on a camera. In an act of utter sadism and madness, spiderman decides to torture this poor chap, who’s face is attached to a tube, by making way for some mutated killer rodents to enter the pipe, ultimately resulting in the most horrific demise known to mankind. Fucking intense.

But behold, there is more to come. Turkish trash-cinema has much more to offer. Next up, “Turkish Star Wars”.

This film is not even remotely based on Star Wars, although it features inter-galactic fighting scenes (or what, at least, looks like inter-galactic fighting scenes. There is only this much achievable when you are working with a budget that equals to a fifth grader’s weekly spending limit…), explosions, monsters (they look like those freaks out of “the wickerman” opening…) and a well developed protagonist…. Well, about that last one. Sorry, I lied about that. All character development in this movie was ditched in favour of… ahmm… a training montage?? Yes, check out that bitching training montage, fucking fierce!

“OMG its an extraterrestrial life form. Whoooooo areeee youuuuuu and how can I underst-. Uh.. Hang on a second, its just a midget wearing some kinda condom-like outfit. Its allright Ma’ we don’t have to sacrifice the kids any more.” How could anyone, anywhere on this earth, ever be afraid of a freaking midget in a rubber costume. I mean, come on, seriously?

The last one of the bunch, “Turkish Superman”. No comments on this one, I’ll leave it up to you…

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ashes-to-ashes-bowie

"Hey there kiiiiiiiiiids!" {click to enlarge}


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]]> http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/the-ashes-to-ashes-bowie-man-debating-the-issue-of-philanthropy-comic/feed/ A tale of Pens and Barclays Branches [Sick Sad World] http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/a-tale-of-pens-and-barclays-branches-sick-sad-world/ http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/a-tale-of-pens-and-barclays-branches-sick-sad-world/#comments Sat, 11 Apr 2009 16:24:30 +0000 The Grand Douche of York http://gonzocircus.co.uk/?p=368 The complex trust relationship between a bank and its client base can be explained through a rather unpretentious observation. For the sake of this argument as well as for the sake of simplicity I will use the Barclays Bank as an example. Barclays branches will be used to represent the contemporary financial machine that governs our society and the confidence it puts into the public.

Now think about it, you trust the bank with your financial future while the bank can’t trust you with a fucking £0.99 pen.

One of the UK’s oldest financial service providers, the Barclays Bank, if anyone isn’t familiar with it, has established itself as a major international player among other banking institutions. Currently listed as the world’s 25th largest company and the fourth largest financial provider, the Barclays Bank is also the second largest bank in the United Kingdom.

It seems that banks operate on two main principles. Barclays operational manual consists of convincing the public that their monetary funds are in safe hands (the customer is assured and reassured once again that the bank is his friend and advisor when it comes to financial matters) and that the institution itself holds an unmatched amount of trust in its customer base (”We value each and every client”, etc…). Marketing and advertisement campaigns are only there to support and reinforce this belief. This allows for an influx of monetary funds, which in-turn allow the bank to run their “little game”. Speaking in detailed terms, the whole idea behind a banking institution is the creation of two very distinct markets. The first one is the public market, the idea that your money will accumulate no matter what. The idea that money can and will be made without actual work input, just trust the institution with your finances and you will see a guaranteed return of investment in the long-run.

Market number two is quite different from the one mentioned above. Market number two derives its financial support from the first market, the market of the public, the money is simply used as a gambling resource of the financial firms. Huge monetary gains, backdoor deals and gains in assets are achieved by using the public’s money in what seems to be a casino night-out for the top executives.

The Barclays Bank, for example, has been involved in more than just a couple of controversies.

|Involvement with South Africa under apartheid| ~The Independent

|Financial support for the Mugabe regime in Zimbabwe| ~Times Online

|Accusations of money laundering| ~The Independent

|Tax avoidance| ~The Guardian

It becomes evident that Barclays Bank is a shady institution involved in a number of backdoor deals, thus its deception of the public, its ability to create a false sense of security and legibility is absolutely crucial to the bank’s survival. Yet this faux-reality created by Barclays is nothing but a lie. The customer base, blindly following the bank, trusting it with a huge lump of money is treated like nothing but scum by this very institution.

"You shall never take away this immensly valuable piece of plastic. NEVER!"

"You shall never take away this immensely valuable piece of plastic. NEVER!"

The complicated nature of this one-sided trust relationship is particularly apparent as one takes a look at the stationary available at a typical Barclays Branch. For some mysterious reason, far above my understanding of the physical world, there are never, and I repeat never enough disposable pens at a Barclays Branch. The number of pens available is always lower than the total quantity of people present. This horrendous mismanagement of stationary resources results in the formation of queues that consist of clients desperately trying to reach this one pen available at the office.

Chained by a thin, metallic strap, connecting its button to a stone-like form placed on a desk, this modern writing instrument is guarded as if it were the last biro available to mankind. Now think about it, you trust the bank with your financial future while the bank can’t trust you with a fucking £0.99 pen.

EDIT 12/04/09
Alright guys you’ve got to fix your sarcasm detectors! This article is supposed to be sarcastic, I’m well aware of the intricate nature of the banking sector, so please don’t send me any more emails telling me how it’s not all “black and white” and how I should put down the tin-foil hat. Thanks.

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]]> http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/a-tale-of-pens-and-barclays-branches-sick-sad-world/feed/ The Hipster’s guide to Berlin | part 1 | [pics] http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/hipsters-guide-to-berlin-part-1-pics/ http://gonzocircus.co.uk/2009/04/hipsters-guide-to-berlin-part-1-pics/#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:27:25 +0000 The Grand Douche of York http://gonzocircus.co.uk/?p=330 hipsters-010

Prenzlauer Berg

Looking at Berlin one realizes the power behind neo-liberal ideas and city planning. The city has reinvented itself many times and is quickly becoming the new fashion spot of the world. Marked by vast territorial “white-space”, urabn-art, old industrial compounds, green parks, architectural styles combining nazi-era “you-are-nothing-but-an-ant” block housing with new, contemporary developments such as the Bundestag building, Berlin is surely popular with the young folks.

Berlin sets itself apart by its remarkable affordability. The city manages to stay cheaper than other metropolitan areas in western Europe, thus creating an influx of youthful individuals. Germany’s capital is home to a huge and diverse population of personae; metrosocialists, cake eaters, yunts, faux bisexuals, sceenie teenies and hipsters just to name a few. The last entity is a case in itself. Defining a hipster is a tedious task, many have tried, many have failed.

Taken from urbandictionary.com:

| Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as “complicated.” (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Definitely cooler than you. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money - and spends a great deal of it to look like they don’t have any. Has friends and/or self cut hair. Dyes it frequently (black, white-blonde, etc. and until scalp bleeds). Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Chips off nail polish artfully after $50 manicure. Sleeps with everyone and talks about it at great volume in crowded coffee shops. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show and drinking PBR. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. May go by “Penny Lane,” “Eleanor Rigby,” etc. when drunk. On PBR. Which is usually. |

Generalizing is a bad habit but the description given comes very close to illustrating the image of a hipster. Another very pronounced characteristic of a hipster is his ability to invade urban-space and flip it towards his needs. Hipsters tend to migrate into formerly abandoned areas, areas oozing with crime and torture and low-cost regions; or so it seems. Usually a bunch of artists move into the area described above. Haunted by high living costs an artists does not have another option but to move into an area that, mildly speaking, is not the safest one in town.

The government, city planners, urban-scientists and other governmental and non-governmental officials realize the potential of the place after the creative stream has established itself. Shops begin to open, streets are cleaned up, some more officers get introduced, etc… All in an effort to maintain and enrich the creative force inside the zone. That’s when the area becomes ‘hip’ and yea, you guessed it, hipsters move in. A perfect example of the above is an area called “Prenzlauer Berg” in Berlin. To read more about the “Berg” follow this link.

More to come in Part 2

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